man i don't even know where to start. today was a bum day with not a lot of productivity. the early morning was dreary and overcast, then turned to rain and heavy thunder around mid-morning and rained all day until the afternoon when it finally stopped. now everything is muddy and messy, vehicles are dirty, puddles here and there and it's even a bit chilly out.
in order to get to my real reason for posting, i'll cut right to the chase. for those of you who know me well enough to be reading this blog, you already know that i'm trying to change (with the help of a Greater Being than myself) and you may even know a few of the things i've went through or are going through. combine that with the my last post and you start to get a picture of where i'm going with this. it can be described with three short words: frustrated, lonely and wondering. here's the breakdown:
frustrated- because i don't understand the reason things are going like they are with the staff and their delays, with my relations with 'M', with my job (as in, why people are uncooperative and hard to work with at times)
lonely- because i went from having a dear girlfriend to talk to five times a day to telling her that she may not be The One (hey wait. that should have went under 'frustrated') and eternally breaking up with her.. lonely because i feel like i did at sixteen (single, looking) but now i'm seven years older. lonely, because now the future doesn't look too bright (can anyone explain that one to me??)
wondering- wow, what in life ever stays the same?? it seems daily things are changing, things i don't understand. when will the economy turn around? what will our new President be like? what does God really have in store for me? (and this next one is a big one-der) how is it possible that i went from a life of ease and contentment to giving up all the lusts of the flesh and the pride of my eyes, to facing emotional anguish, temptations that threaten my mind and would like to divert my soul, feelings i don't understand...how can this be?? and yet, deep down in my heart i know the answer. i understand the behind-the-scenes workings that occur, how the devil is always bargaining for our souls, how he cannot read our thoughts but can ever so craftily insert just the right (evil) thoughts at just the right time, whether it's hate, envy, jealousy, lust or any other unnamed evil he can think of. wondering... why life seems so difficult, but then i think of how "all things work together for good" and it gives me rest. momentarily. until i begin to wonder again.
enough on all that. most of those thoughts were sent from my subconscious mind to the very forefront of my functioning, conscious mind by a simple act on behalf of another human, particularly a female. as i think of it i still can't believe what went on....dunno why it left me in such shock. i guess when a girl asks a guy out, particularly when he's not expecting it, it just catches him off-guard. now for the real story: i had stopped past the local drug store to speak with the John, the pharmacist, about some work we had recently performed for him. i usually speak to him out in the open, in front of his coworkers/employees and it's never a dull conversation. we have often discussed my culture and beliefs as i answer his (or anyone's) stream of never-ending, sometimes humorous and comical, questions about M-nites. i say all of this because we have openly discussed my status and i have told them that even though i'm x i don't party, that i work a lot, don't watch tv or listen to the radio. now i might also add that in this drugstore there's one particularly striking blonde that works there, that's single, available (or so John always tells me) and is his neice, whom he thinks i should hook up with. one day while i was at his house, i finally told him that i really didn't need any help, that i was proficient at picking up gals on my own and that i was just plain tired of hearing all about women. after all, i have a job that demands quite a bit of me and women (or more hopefully, Woman ( 'M' maybe?? :) ) will be there when the time is right and not a minute sooner. evidently that blew over him like an ocean breeze because it didn't change his demeanor any lol..
when i ended my conversation with John, i told i'd see him later and proceeded to walk out the door. halfway to my truck i hear someone calling my name and i turn around to see who it is and whaddya know... it's that blonde half running, half walking with hair flying coming my way. as she comes up to me she says,
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"hey blake, i have a proposition for you . every year here we have a christmas supper and we usually go out to eat someplace nice. i was wondering if you would like to go with me to the supper, since John always bugs me so bad about who i bring along. it would be a group of people- all of us that work here. just don't tell John because i don't want him to know."
and as i stood there in a nano-second of silence with my mind spinning, wondering what to say, it was almost as if i was in a daze with what i replied...
"i'd love to say yes, but... i don't think i can."
"o that's ok. i just thought..."
"i know. i'm sorry. i'd love to but i can't. where uh.. where do you guys normally go?" (what a blasted thing for me to say)
"we usually go to coleman's..this year it may be bonefish though."
"ok. let me think about it. if i change my mind i'll let you know..otherwise, like i said, probably not."
i could see what appeared to me to be a bit of a crestfallen look in her eyes as she backed towards the building..
"ok. well just don't tell john because i don't want him to know." and with that i walked back towards my truck as she headed inside.
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the rest of the afternoon was spent with a million things going through my head as i contemplated the possibilities, the maybes, the what-ifs. i honestly believe that was the worst temptation i've been through in a long time. pretty girls with white teeth and captive eyes are what pull my flesh into that toilet-bowl, hurricane-like spiral that only leads down. emotions. feelings. questions. why?? i just don't understand it. and yet i still believe that one day, if our Heavenly Father sees fit, that i will be awarded a bride who is more beautiful in every way than any other female i've ever known and will be just the help-meet that is needed to help guide me through those Pearly Gates.
in times of trial such as that i faced today, i can only humble myself and cry out to God hoping He will hear my feeble cry and boost my strength to pull through. so far, He has always been faithful and i know He always will be; i have no doubt about that.
it's time for me to go. maybe tomorrow will yield more new thoughts and more new things to think about. with my short prayer for strength, i close...
Dear Lord, you know i've committed it all to you. Without You i am powerless, weak in my own strength. Help me through, boost my courage, give me Your strength. in Jesus name, Amen.
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